We know who will decide this year’s election

As the election season heats up, voters are more eager than ever to predict Election Day results. But understanding the Bennd-Dover Metropolitan Statistical Area’s highly-unusual voter behavior is its own challenge.

While certain demographics, like registered Independents, people whose ballots are covered in vaseline, or the elusive “swing voter” dominate headlines, DUMSTER understands that these are not the true arbiters of this election. Using new census data and highly-invasive cell phone camera technology, we have been able to pinpoint the most influential voters this election cycle.

Here are the most consequential voting blocs:

• Men with suspiciously tiny bags. What are you carrying in there, king?
• Facebook users still posting the results of BuzzFeed quizzes. They have the highest instances of “Barack Obama” write-ins across the metro.
• Under-20s with clammy hands. Jesus Christ, keep your limp-fish fingers away from us.
• People who don’t floss. They neglect their teeth; Will they neglect to vote?
• Men who show photos of their hunting trophies to clearly-horrified acquaintances. Their poor ability to read the fucking room makes their voting behavior highly unpredictable.
• People who haven’t gotten laid since summer. Campaigns cold-texting the desperately horny with openers like “Ellen, we need you… in this election season” divides this category into never-voters and always-voters.
• Swingers. This should not surprise anyone.

DUMSTER will update this article as new information emerges.