Joshua Thompson, 8, apparently saw a bear walking in the woods near Hatchfield Park last Thursday. Unfortunately, by the time this intrepid reporter arrived on Saturday, the bear was nowhere to be found.
It was unclear whether it was a black, brown, grey, or hairless bear. When asked, the boy simply said it was “a bear.” When pressed further about any other things the bear might have been doing (Did it eat a shrub? Jog a little bit? Take a dump??) the kid shrugged and walked home.
Anyways. Despite my multiple requests to continue a months-long investigation into Mayor Joe Byron’s strange absences, I have been forced by my editor to complete this story about a bear. So here it is, Joe. My story about a bear. How many words did you want again? Six hundred? Good Lord.
The good news doesn’t end here. Our last passable photographer, Natalie Dorn, was laid off during the copyeditor purge last month. All I can offer DUMSTER is a note pad sketch of a bear, as described by an 8-year-old who saw it a few days ago.
The city parks department was not available for comment about bears on Saturday, but their local website encouraged feeding them since they have been looking kinda skinny and disheveled lately. If you would like to help the bears, please leave a burger or something on one of the benches at Hatchfield Park. Maybe the bear will come back and do something interesting.
I would like to remind you, Joe, I went to Northwestern. Northwestern. I paid $80,000. That’s how much this bear story is worth to you? Mayor Byron hasn’t been at city council for three weeks. Joe?? I had a nagging feeling that you don’t read to the bottom of my copy.
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