For those of us following my sister Kathy Künt’s Facebook posts, you may have noticed that husband Ted has been putting on some extra pounds lately. Not uncommon for a man in his fifties, but a concern nonetheless.
Last Friday, local teenager Stan Berk, 17, who frequently takes night walks to deal with his childhood trauma, was throwing rocks at the side of the Künt household when he noticed a low “continuous droning sound.” Berk immediately called into the Dover-Merchant tip line.
“It sounds like one of those breathing machines,” Berk told our on-call reporter. “My mom was on one of those for years. Before, well, you know. Anyway, it sounds like he’s coughing in there. Or snorting, or something. Well, I have to get going, I guess, to go walk by the train tracks and smoke cigarettes. I roll them by hand.”
Based on these new discoveries, our reporters have posited that Ted may be using a CPAP-machine. Everyone in the extended Künt family as well as the Bennd-Dover metropolitan area is now wondering: what mystery illness is ailing Ted?
Kathy definitely won’t spill the beans.
But the whole family can agree that Ted needs to get it together, if not for himself, then for Kathy and their two lovely daughters (aged 22 and 24).
As for Ted’s underlying condition, Kathy is playing it close to the chest. But my ex-wife (yes, she still talks to my sisters) recently told me that the prevailing notion is congenital heart disease, which runs in Ted’s family. More to come.
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